Coping With The Holidays When

A Loved One Has Died

In this Advent season, we continue to offer some suggestions which might help you to cope at this difficult season.

How do you answer "Happy Holidays?" You may say “I'm trying" or "Best wishes to you." You think of many answers that you don't say.

If you are accustomed to having dinner at your home, change and go to relatives; or change the time (instead of 2:00 pm, make it 4:00 pm). Some find it helpful to be involved in the activity of preparing a large meal. Serving buffet style and/or eating in a different room may help.  Try attending Christmas services at a different time and/or church.

Some people fear crying in public, especially at the church service. It is better not to push the tears down any time. You should be gentle with yourself and not expect so much of yourself.  Worrying about crying is an additional burden.  If you let go and cry, you probably will feel better. It should not ruin the day for the other family members, but will provide them with the same freedom.  Consider not sending or cutting back on your cards this year. It is not necessary to send, especially to those people you will see over the holidays.

Family "get togethers" may be extremely difficult.  Be honest with each other about your feelings. Sit down with your family and decide what you want to do for the holiday season. Don't set expectations too high for you or the day. If you wish things to be the same, you are going to be disappointed.  Undertake only what each family member is able to handle comfortably.

There is no right or wrong way to handle the day. Some may wish to follow family traditions, while others may choose to change them. It may help to do things just a little differently.  What you choose the first year, you don't have to do the next.

Keep in mind the feelings of your children or family members.  Try to make the holiday season as joyous as possible for them.

Be careful of "shoulds."  It is better to do what is most helpful for you and your family.  If a situation looks especially difficult over the holidays, try not to get involved.

Set limitations. Realize that it isn't going to be easy. Do the things that are very special and/or important to you. Do the best that you can.

MAY THE PRINCE OF PEACE BE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY

Coping With The Holidays When

A Loved One Has Died

In this Advent season, we continue to offer some suggestions which might help you to cope at this difficult season.

Be with others—and with yourself

                Your loneliness may at times seem so crushing it's hardly bearable. After all, you've lost the most important person in your life—your friend, lover, partner, companion, confidant, supporter, helper. Other people cannot take his/her place or make the awful loneliness vanish. But their presence can bring consolation. Take time to be with persons you're comfortable with, persons you can talk to, persons you can hug.

                As with all good "rules," there's an exception that's valid. Sometimes you just have to let yourself be with your loneliness. Can you learn from it? Is God more accessible in its shadow? What wisdom, what solace, what mystery can enter your heart through its brokenness?

                Take time, too, for your whole self—mind, body, and spirit. Grief can so occupy your heart and soul that you overlook your physical needs: good food, adequate rest, healing touch. Without the physical relationship you and your spouse shared, you may realize that touch is more important than you would have expected. Begin to redefine your life

                You were used to looking at the world and toward the future as part of a couple—making plans, decisions, and dreams for two. That's why losing your spouse can have such a sense of unreality about it. Your marriage provided the context for your self-identity, your presence in the world, and your approach to life. Now, suddenly, that framework is gone. The dreams you had together are shattered. And there's just you, alone responsible for making a life for yourself. It's no wonder that you feel so overwhelmed, uncertain, and even frightened.

                Do something for someone else, such as volunteer work at a soup kitchen or visit the lonely and shut-ins.   Ask someone who is alone to share the day with your family. Provide help for a needy family.  Donate a gift or money in your loved one's name.

                Share your concerns, feelings, apprehensions, etc., as the holiday approaches, with a relative or friend. Tell them that this is a difficult time for you. Accept their help. You will appreciate their love and support at this time.

                Holidays often magnify feelings of loss of a loved one. It is important and natural to experience the sadness that comes. To block such feelings is unhealthy. Keep the positive memory of your loved one alive.

                Often after the first year, the people in your life may expect you to be "over it." We are never "over it," but the experience of many bereaved is that eventually they enjoy the holidays

                Don't forget: "Anticipation of any holiday is so much worse than the actual holiday."